WAYDOWN. SEPTEMBER 2020. BRIETENBUSH, OREGON
UNDER REVISION STILL>>>>>
Cuckooo Bird, am I dead or am I here? I escaped fires in the Bay Area and went to visit a good friend Mark at a hot spring in Eastern Oregon. I owe Mark my life. When I lived with him in New York, I was experiencing the peak of my “psychosis/delusions.” Altered states. Months of it. I had to go to the hospital a few times while I lived with him. He was the one who organized my care and contact with loved ones. I moved out and hadn’t seen him except for the one night at one of my favorite New York events - Golden Fest - a balkan brass festival. We were dancing in a circle saw each other and embraced.
That building has since been demolished. Some of the most beautiful architecture in South Park Slope - I don’t remember the name right now just the experience of being in a beautiful building with peoples openness and tradition. Unsure why it was demolished or who and this is something to look into*.
please refer to this link: https://www.newyorker.com/news/our-local-correspondents/why-did-the-grand-prospect-hall-have-to-die
you are welcome to do your own research on the matter as well. the thing is golden fest hasn’t stopped despite the building being destroyed for another high rise condo... i can’t say that i was part of any planning - i volunteered one year to serve food. and i can’t say that i know all the ends and outs and traditions that were carried through the building only a sense of pride for home and culture and i was welcomed into it. and got to appreciate live music. and learn about one strand of my balkan DNA. probably more strands elsewhere.
Visiting Mark in Brietenbush was great - he was all buff from digging ditches and enjoying his new life outside of New York with the community of the retreat center. He explained internal family systems to me - the fire fighters and the managers within us. It resonated - looking at ourselves as constructed parts of a whole. Internal dialogues within us - the voices that carry the burden and those that protect. I soaked a lot in the hot springs at the retreat center - the outdoor bathtubs reminded me of an image of hydrotherapy in mental institutions in the 1910s. They would strap people in the tubs for a full day. Change the temperature. Spray people with hoses. People have been soaking in bodies of water for healing forever so I understand the experimentation within a mental health institution but obviously the potential to be cruel.
Part of Brietenbush burnt down days later. It was intense. I had planned to go camping near the HOH Forest with a friend. But it wasn’t safe.
This image (directly above) is of a painting called ‘aquarius full moon’ overlayed on a photo of landscape from Table Top Mountain in Oroville, California. This image could be the beginning of the story. Or the end. I painted ‘aquarius full moon’ in 2019. I had just left Brooklyn, NY my home of 10 years to land at my grandparents house in Coastal Georgia where I grew up... unsure what was next. My grandmother has an aquarius moon. And for those not familiar with astrology, an aquarius moon is known as being a bit cold.. detached emotionally or more reserved emotionally. Perhaps represents an unconventional upbringing. There are many ways to interpret it. I just know my grandmother has it.
And I know her mother spent time in a hospital receiving electroshock therapy. She was bed ridden for years. It wasn’t until this particular visit that I learned that my grandmother had been sent away to a home in Tennessee when her sister Grace was born. Explaining the years of conflict between the two.
My grandmother uses a walker now. One morning while I was there we went on a walk - not far just down to the end of the street and circle back. One morning she says to me - holding her walker - “This morning I’m going to tell you why I love you.” I don’t remember ever hearing the words love from her mouth. But if anything, she exudes love. It always felt understood if not said out loud. For those who have dated me know that it is hard for me to say I love you - I often think people can read my mind. But that walk is how I learned that she was the one to take me home from the hospital. My mother had to stay behind because she had complications during her labor. I’ve always felt attached to my grandmother finding her a maternal figure more than my mother who I consider a good but complicated friend.
I forget why I overlayed the aquarius moon painting on Table Top Mountain maybe it was because it was my first solo hike post a break up. I just bought a car that turned out to be a lemon. But my first car purchase ever. Some sort freedom. & I was thinking a lot about my grandmother that day. She has stopped dying her hair because of covid. Shes all gray. I climbed a mile rock scramble meditating on attachment. My moon is progressed Aquarius currently. Any time I catch her on the phone she rushes to hang up. As to not bother.
love is wild. love in a pandemic:
the main reason I was traveling the past year was partly due to my great great grandfathers footsteps but mostly due to love. synchronicity had its way of unfolding - in that portland to albuquerque happened to be where my love and i were traveling as well as some spots my great great grandfather traveled and drew political cartoons. the first time we hung out we met for a drink in bushwick and talked about ancestral trauma and the power of work. she told me her favorite album is by lauryn hill. then we listened to princess nokia... and i started to realize later down the road she had a thing for listening to gemini suns and sagittarius moons. cause she sent me a lenny kravitz song too. it is true i do have a gemini sun and a sag moon.
we visited mutual friends in albquerque which to me makes the beginning of a relationship stronger. we had a short hike 10,000ft somewhere abouts where our friend worked as tour guide on some sort of air train. pretty bad ass. my love and i rolled around in our friends backroom. and i think the next day i saw her receive a watch - an heirloom from his grandfather.
at one point i went on a walk by myself exploring murals and art of albuquerque. witnessed my friends vote i think in a local election. committed to their new home and life they were building. played some pool somewhere switching teams. i felt free.
all of us went to chaco canyon. and i feel grateful for seeing some of the best still standing architecture in the united states. how did that happen? a web of respect i suppose. of people and the sun and the moon.
we left abq. i think she had to check on a past love in chicago. and i did too. in some way. i can’t quite remember the chronological order of events.
i did have an excursion with a coworker? or sorts in arizona. just cooking and exploring more of this countrys beautiful land. some badlands in arizona. and petrogylphs. and large crater.
inverted from the moon park my love at the time had just visited. (SPACE TRAVEL IS A DIFFERENT CHAPTER)
i’m not sure a timeline is important we were cruising and exploring til we had to land a govenment issued stationary space in oakland.
but i can’t quite forget how we brought in the new year...
I found a job on craigslist selling hand sanitizer at farmer’s market. I was paid cash which could supplement my unemployment. The two guys running it were in real estate and had a friend who ran a pet shampoo business. They converted the pet shampoo factory into a sanitizer factory. Sanitizer that was to up to the World Health Organization’s standards. And honestly the best sanitizer I have experienced. It was spray form. And dried very quickly. Wasn’t sticky.
I was masked at the at the farmers market. My sales tactic was making big eyes and asking “Hey would like you like some hand sanitizer?” And would spray it on passerbys hands. “Its 80% alcohol and locally made.” It worked. People bought it by the gallon. Often times restaurants and doctors needing to stock up. I sold masks too.
I was in a good position to have a job as just a reason to get out of the house. But I’m not a sales person. And I was depressed. I was late one morning and decided to skip the market and instead went to In and Out Burger at 10:30am in the morning. A bit sad. I drove to a marsh, ate and slept in the car. I was pretty embarrassed about this and didn’t tell my partner what I had actually done that day. “Oh yeah the market was fine.”
All good until she found an In and Out Burger receipt in the truck. Its almost funny. But mostly pathetic.
I decided to leave the sanitizer business after that.
A year prior to moving to Oakland I had lost a job that I loved. I had an episode the required me to be on medical leave. The organization said that I should apply for disability but I don’t qualify because I am not disabled I’d say rather a lack of competent health care that has imploded. I also felt I was at rockbottom. I had no money and was having issues with housing. So I decided to leave the organization and New York all together.
I talked to a friend who has her own mental health jams about how we are doing okay despite the pandemic. Like losing work? Losing housing? Oh yeah been here before. If anything the pandemic has helped, I’ve been able to receive unemployment, rent reduction, immediate health insurance that is accessible by telehealth. through an important pathway.
When my partner and I went our separate ways, I thought I’d move to a remote farm and help a woman weld. I found the ad on a mailing list for property management and work exchanges. A friend drove me to the farm. And I knew immediately I couldn’t stay. I cried. And my friend graciously drove me back to Oakland.
I ended up back in Alameda through my friend Anna - a friend of a a friendly lover. Her parents were out of Alameda for the month and allowed me to stay in their home.
I kitesurf.
I wonder what layer of this I am missing...
